Tonight I had a sudden and irrational outburst of anger with one of my children and then, a few hours later, experienced extreme frustration and impatience with my infant son. Let me tell you what happened and then perhaps make an attempt at some inner work.
Anger
We sat down as a family to watch American Idol. I particularly enjoy watching the first few episodes, the ones with the cross-country auditions. (I can examine why I enjoy watching public humiliation another time, now it is something else I am thinking about) My son was squirmy and noisy and my eldest daughter was climbing all over me. I was finding it extremely difficult to pay attention to the show with all of the commotion in the living room. Suddenly, I felt the anger swell in my and I yelled at my daughter to leave me alone and stop climbing on me. As soon as the words left my lips, I knew I had hurt her. She was just trying to be close to me and my words must have felt like a rejection to her. I felt horrible. But why the anger?
Attachment to sensory pleasure and the false happiness it brings
Television makes me feel good. It brings me great pleasure to sit and relax and have a laugh. To tune out the days worries and stresses and focus in on someone/something else. I obviously have a great attachment to it and my children were acting in a manner which prevented me from and interfered with my gaining pleasure from it. And so, without thinking, my anger boiled over. I think anger is the heavyweight delusion in my mind, and it is quick to come to the surface.
Impatience
Much the same story as anger, only swap the computer for the television and a touchy daughter for a non-sleeping, fussy infant son. This time I recognized the foolishness of my impatience and why I was feeling that way. As soon as I was aware of it, it left. hmmmmm.
I guess the trick is to catch myself in these delusions in order to correct them and see them for what they are.
I would write more, but I need to go to bed now.
Dharmamum,
I have found that such reflections are a huge part of my practice.
Unfortunately, once we have committed to practicing the Dhamma we will still be influenced by our hindrances. I’ve found that I will tend to relapse a little bit after times of spiritual breakthrough.
I suppose this is Ego’s way of fighting back.
The key is for us to do what you are doing. I too am trying to reflect on my actions, and seeking to catch my negative mindsets before they lead to unskillful action.
Of course this process is easier said than done.
The one thing I can say for this struggle is, at least we are working on this. I remember a time when I was not so concerned or contemplative about my negative deeds.
I know I am on the right road, You too are on that road.
May all be happy,
Gregor